Eavesdropping on a Journal

The highway split the featureless desert out to the horizon. Yawning, I pulled out my pillow and propped it up against the window. I was exhausted after spending 4 hot summer days in Zions National Park, tagging along with my girlfriend at the time, her family and the young women from her parents ward. As I prepared for a nap she pulled out her journal and began writing.

Four days straight with no breaks was really testing the limits of our relationship. At the moment there was a palpable tension between us. In a group full of strangers I felt clingy and she felt clinged to. As an introvert, the constant presence of obnoxious 12 and 13 year olds girls had worn on me. With her dad always within a close proximity, I had not even neared first base throughout the course of the weekend. At one point we arrived back at camp well ahead of the rest of the group and entered the tent for what was sure to be a cathartic make out only to be thwarted by a squirrel that had chewed a hole in the tent and made a sizeable mess with a zip loc bag of trail mix. By the time the tent was cleaned up everybody had returned to camp.

An hour earlier in the drive I had escalated the tension by embarrassing her in a conversation. She envisioned herself a ground breaking innovator for espousing conservative principles in a liberal world.

“Nate, don’t you think I’m revolutionary,” she asked.

We had engaged in similar conversations before. Usually affirmative, this time I fought the urge to roll me eyes. “Revolutionary? Why do you feel that you are revolutionary?”

She seemed caught off guard that I wasn’t playing along as I usually did to her self perception. She paused and mentioned something about having the truth and not being afraid to share it with others. “It’s impossible to live a fulfilling life without having the truth of the gospel.”

“Don’t you think that sounds arrogant? I don’t think being Mormon is a pre-requisite to a fulfilling life.” I replied. By this time all ears in the mini-van were focused on our conversation. After going back and forth on this point for several minutes I could tell that she had become embarrassed that I had challenged her in front of everybody. Trying to diffuse the tension I agreed that she was indeed a revolutionary. That was the end of our conversation.

As I rested my head against the pillow I realized that from this angle I could see what she was writing in her journal. Assuming she was writing about me, I closed my eyes and began to wonder what her unfiltered most initimate thoughts were about me. Despite the current friction between us, we did have a number of memorable and intimate moments on the trip. I had played the role of supportive boyfriend throughout the trip and encouraged her to follow several of her dreams. After fighting the urge to peak for several minutes I lifted my eyelid slightly so I could see her journal, but still appear to be asleep. The only line I could make out was “Nate is a simple minded but good man.” I closed my eyes again wishing I had been more disciplined.